The Return of the Huldrasaga

This weekend I have laid Aiella aside, on the grounds that, pending any further reports from beta-readers, it is as finished as it is going to get, and also I’ve had enough of it for now.

Instead I have taken up my other work-in-progress, untouched for nearly two years, to see what might be done with it.  The Saga of Gorm the Less and the Huldrafolk (hereinafter referred to as the Huldrasaga) is actually the older work, having been started about five or six years ago now. It is a fairly conventional comic fantasy, trying hard not to be a pale imitation of Pratchett, set in a fantasy Northlands very (very) loosely based on Norse sagas and mythology.

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Minimal

Today’s interview is with minimalist author Rien de Blanque, writer of such acclaimed pieces as Five Hundred Completely Blank Pages and Make Up Your Own Story, I Can’t Be Bothered. Here’s what she had to say:

<blank space scrolls into infinity>

Thought provoking stuff, there. An amazing writer, although Rien’s avant-garde work is better in the original French, obviously.

Hamlet

The Soliloquy (as ad-libbed by Bertie Wooster):

Well, I am dashed if I know whether I can go on like this or not.
I mean, is it better, do you think, to put up with being plagued by Aunts, and what not,
Or to put up a bit of a fight, and stop the whole bally lot?
A chap could do with a nice long lie-in,
At least if by that you mean put a stop to all the nonsense and bother you seem to get nowadays.
It’d be jolly nice, I think!
Well, so long as you don’t get nightmares, I suppose.
I daresay it’s the thought of dreaming about Aunt Agatha forever
That makes chaps like me carry on the way we do.
I mean, who would stand for this tosh –
You know, being oppressed by elderly females,
Having butlers look down their nose at you,
Getting the brush-off from Madeline Basset
(Even if she does think the stars are God’s daisy-chain),
Getting thirty days without the option
Just for relieving a policeman of his helmet on Boat Race night,
And getting a pi-jaw from the magistrate,
Not to mention the underhanded behaviour of Bingo Little at the Drones last week –
If you could get out of it as easily as that?
I mean, I don’t actually have to work for a living,
But it beats me why chaps do,
Bearing fardels and what have you
(What is a fardel? Jeeves would know)
If it wasn’t for the dashed inconvenient fact that if you get off the bus, so to speak,
You don’t know what stop you’ll be at.
It’s not as if anyone ever gets on again.
Tricky things, consciences, and liable to turn you bright yellow
When faced with the choice of carrying on or jumping off into goodness knows what.
I mean, I’m as resolute as the next man, and not given to thinking much,
But even I wobble a bit when up against that kind of thing,
And tend to dither and bug my eyes out (they tell me) and achieve very little, really.
– Stop a minute, Ophelia’s coming! What-ho!!

Farewell My Oofy

It is not, perhaps, widely known that both P G Wodehouse and Raymond Chandler attended Dulwich College. They were not contemporaries, and never wrote together, but imagine if they had …

Farewell my Oofy          by P G Chandler

It was one of those days you get in London towards the end of February, when the fog rolls in from the Thames and the crack houses are hidden by even more noxious vapours than usual. It was cold; so cold that even the cheap streetwalkers were wearing woollen tights. I sat in my office huddled up in my greatcoat, wishing I had enough dough to pay the gas bill. Business was slow; after I’d fingered Sir Gregory Parsloe for the pig theft at Blandings I’d been hoping for more jobs from the aristocracy, but so far nothing had come through. Lord Emsworth had handed me a generous cheque, but it was pretty much all spent, and if a good job didn’t come through soon so was I.

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In Xanadu …

Dear Mr. Khan:

Further to your application for planning consent (ref X/COL/1797), Xanadu City Council cannot at this time approve the plans for your proposed development. Full documentation detailing our reasons for turning down the application are attached, but in summary our objections are as follows:

  • Twice five miles of fertile ground is far too large an area to hand over to private ownership. Further, all fertile ground within the city limits is designated green belt land, and protected from development.
  • Our officers were greatly concerned with the description of your development as a ‘pleasure-dome’. It was felt that such a description might attract undesirable elements, seeking some of the more illicit forms of said pleasure. (See item on trees, below).
  • Concern was also expressed at the proposed height of the dome. Calculating from a base of ten square miles, as per the application, gave an estimated height at the apex of the dome of some three and a half miles. This is significantly higher than the building limits imposed by city ordinances.
  • It is entirely unacceptable that the river Alph, a public amenity much enjoyed by walkers and fishermen, could be culverted and covered over by a privately owned development.
  • The proposed system of caverns through which the said river would run do not have accurate dimensions provided, as laid down in the Rules for Planning Applications. The definition ‘measureless to man’ is not a metric the Urban Regeneration Department is prepared to accept.
  • Incense bearing trees are, as I am sure you are aware, not permitted to be imported into this country due to the health risks posed by the unlicensed use of incense. The suggestion that such trees might be incorporated into the development only strengthened our fear that this pleasure dome would be of an undesirable nature.
  • The refrigeration system proposed to be installed, to generate the projected caves of ice, does not meet with the current guidelines on renewable energy, and would need to be considerably modified. It may be that the mighty fountain issuing from the chasm (see next item) could be adapted to some type of hydro-electric scheme.
  • The proposed depth of the chasm also gave grounds for concern, and led some officers to suspect the proposal as being nothing more than a cover for fracking operations, which, given the nearby issuance of the river Alph into the sea, may lead to serious depletion of local fish stocks. (We note your false description of the ocean as ‘lifeless’).
  • The site of the dome so close to the shoreline, recently designated an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty, is problematic. Having the shadow of the dome of pleasure floating midway on the waves would constitute a serious loss of amenity.
  • The mention in your application of Ethiopian immigrants playing dulcimers leads us to note that no licence for musical performances has been applied for.
  • Nor, be it noted, has any application been received for the serving of food and drink upon the premises, despite items in the application mentioning both honey-dew and milk of paradise. Should such an application be made, we note with concern your intention to source the milk from outwith the locality.

On all these grounds, and more detailed in the attached documents, we feel constrained to deny the application as it stands. We might add that we found your claim that your ancestors prophesied war to be both bizarre and irrelevant, and your performance at the presentation was also very disturbing to some of our officers. Miss Abora has still not quite recovered from the sight of your flashing eyes and floating hair, and has suggested that if you should return to our offices adequate security measures must be taken. To that end we must inform you that on your future visits, if any, we will have Security cry Beware! Beware! at your approach, and weave a circle round you thrice.

Should you wish to submit a much reduced and revised application, that addresses the concerns we have raised herein, the Urban Regeneration Department may be disposed to look more favourably on your scheme.

Yours faithfully

Watchet Porlock, Chief Planning Officer